Blog – Clementine E Burnley

Accountability

This year one of my resolutions is to clean up my relationships

So this is about me holding myself accountable in February

Letter to myself:

Dear me, this year you are going to lose friends and colleagues in the movements you are in.

When you do remember:

If you lose relationship it because you’re not ready yet

Maybe they’re not ready either.

Move on, in an attitude of everything’s workable. Move on in joy.

When they are ready, they’ll show you they want to connect.

Oh I almost forgot,

Remember, some people are never going to be ready.

Watch out for signs they aren’t willing to hear you, to listen information that may conflict with their existing beliefs, to walk beside you instead of be above you

They may talk about how they have a right to their opinion, and how they refuse to be censored

Watch out if they use racial/homophobic/woman-hating language repeatedly

Watch out if they minimise/dismiss how violence impacts you

Watch out if they say you lack solidarity because you won’t do what they want.

Don’t lose hope. It’s each person’s right to set a boundary around what they need in their life.

You have that right too.

Keep setting and holding your boundaries.

Keep reaching out for support.

Relationship Advice from friends is free, but free advice can cost you the chance to grow your relationship skills

If your advice giving friends can’t see when you refuse to own any part of a problem, then you may be asking the wrong people. If you see your partner as a person you need to fix …that sort of relationship jumpstart rarely works. In a partnership each person needs to take responsibility for their share in the ecstasy and the hurt. One person is never entirely to blame, except in the case of abusive behaviour. If your friends are not supporting you to make requests in language that your partner can hear, so that your needs are met then you’d be better off with a coach who want to support you to grow by giving you honest, actionable feedback. It’s easy to get friends to tell you its your partner’s fault and you should just leave. People are happy to coddle your ego and make you feel good by supporting you to stay in blame mode. No one gets to duck the work of creating boundaries, and maintaining connection and repairing after a conflict. As long as you are with someone who’s prepared to do the work, you’re good.

If you are the partner who gets scared or shuts down, to guard your heart from a request for connection, you can tell your partner you long for connection but could they just slooow right down to a bearable pace. You can practice self-awareness. You can learn to make requests that don’t leave your loved one feeling hurt, not heard and fearing that they will never be able to have their needs met.

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I’m Insecure and I Write

I started writing in 2014. I’d always written but like many writers I didn’t show my work to anyone. It seemed private. Also, I am insecure, so “why would anyone be interested in what I wrote.”

I have published work in quite a few places now.

What changed?

Writing is stripping off layer after layer in a way that engages others. That still terrifies me. I still worry about what to reveal and what to keep private.

I’m still insecure.

I met other writers. They support me, I support them. They are my favourite people.

I submit work. It gets rejected. A lot of my work doesn’t find a home. It hurts a bit. I move on. I am really great at getting rejected now.

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